the circle game

20 May

rocking jonah to sleep tonight and singing “circle game”, a rush of emotion hit me. that song. that boy. that moment. i can’t recall how many times i’ve tried to tell myself to hold on to those moments as they pass but, man, that was a moment.

tonight was one of those nights. the kind where no one napped. everyone was up early. people and babies were cranky. nerves were being gotten on. tempers were flaring. etc, etc, etc. THEN- then i asked my husband to take a shot of whiskey with me and at my request, he cracked open the good stuff- and we did that whiskey right then and right there. i said,”let’s put on some good music and do this damn thing!” he laughed and said, “hell yes!”. and that’s what we did. and it turned our whole night around. i made dinner and we had a family dance party in the kitchen. our soundtrack include (mv’s choice) the stones, regina specktor (wv’s choice) and old crow (mv again). dinner was delicious. it was a great night.

i took jonah upstairs to put him down and we started our nightly ritual of bottles and ballads. usually it’s “sweet baby james” ala james taylor and “someday soon” by judy collins but tonight i opted for joni. and her words hit me right smack dab in the heart. these moments are so quiet and small and huge and lovely. already wren is so big that i never get to rock her to sleep anymore… and she’s only 3. just writing that hurts my heart. i know they grow up fast. faster than you think is possible. and most of the time being a parent is beyond difficult but those moments, when you have a sweet, little head resting on your shoulder and you feel the soft, quiet breathing on your neck and the weight of that tiny body in your arms and you remember why your doing this. why you chose this choice and why it’s so important.

sweet dreams little babes. you are a fantastic and powerful beings. i just want you stay little awhile longer so i will enjoy what i got, while i got it.





2016: and so it begins

4 Jan

Making: resolutions! And goals! I love the beginning of the new year.
Cooking: a lot less than I would like
Drinking: gallons of water and tea
Reading: tons of magazines!
Wanting: someone to paint and organize my house
Looking: for paint colors
Playing: Adele and Serial
Wasting: time by worrying- not good
Wishing: my hair was longer and thicker
Enjoying: Mozart in the Jungle
Waiting: for the leather jacket I want to go on sale
Liking: classical music and quiet time
Wondering: if we will ever get a grocery store I love
Loving: my new sweaters 
Hoping: this cold sore goes away asap
Marveling: at my baby’s little hands and feet 
Needing: a little snow in my life this winter
Smelling: lots of baby and puppy toots
Wearing: lots of wool- sweaters, socks and scarves- oh my!
Following: my friends trip to Thailand and Vietnam thru insta 
Noticing: how the sunshine and cold weather coupled with my dog and a field really makes me smile
Knowing: lots of adventures await me in 2016
Thinking: I made a pretty darn delicious apple pie
Feeling: in love with my little family
Bookmarking: crockpot recipes out the ying yang
Opening: my eyes to areas that I can improve on
Giggling: at Mistress America

3 months old

17 Jun

Dear sweet Wren-

you are 3 months old today! You are sleeping in your swing, gently snoring, with your hands behind your head. (That is your favorite position for catching some shut eye and it’s so stinking cute.) I can’t believe you’ve been a member of the human race for 3 whole months. It’s gone by so fast and I’m so glad I got to hang out with you for as long as I did before going back to work.

Right now, we (you and your dad and Slim and me) are all adjusting to a new schedule. You seem to do just great at the sitter’s during the day and I just love it when I come home and you are still awake. You are pretty happy to see me and the feeling is mutual, little darling.

You are really into waking up at 130 am and then again around 330 or 4 am, which is not that awesome. We are working thru it. You are also currently enjoying breastmilk and tolerating formula. You seem to like diaper blowouts and walks in your baby bjorn. You hang out the side of that thing like you are channelling Evil Knevil. You are pretty fun- you love staying up with your Dad and I till all hours. You definitely suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out) but I use to have the same affliction so I get it. You are also digging the following things: trying patience, car rides and collecting lint in your hands. So. Much. Lint.

You are so fun and I can’t wait to see what kind of things you end up liking and disliking. What will inspire you and what will irritate you. It’s wonderful getting to know you.

I love you oh so much, little girl. Happy 3 months!

3 Jun

Tomorrow I go back to work. After 12 weeks of laughing, crying, screaming, smiling, learning to love this little tiny human through all the sleepless night and breastfeeding trials, I am going back to work. It is an awful feeling. One of anxiety and nervousness¬†mixed with doubt and guilt. I’ve read countless articles on how to cope with going back to work and listened, with open ears, ¬†to all the advice my mom (who was a working mom) and my close girlfriends who are mothers have offered. It’s all been comforting and helpful and yet here I still sit overwhelmed by fear about leaving my daughter for 9.5 hours tomorrow. I know she’ll be fine and that its going to be harder for me than it is for her but dammit I just don’t want to leave her. I NEVER thought I would be a mother who cried about going back to work. I never thought I’d be in a position where my husband’s income is enough and the possibility of staying home is real. I never thought the choice between staying and going would be so impossible to make. There’s no right answer, I know but I just wish someone would tell me what to do.

So, I’m going back. Tonight, I’ll give my baby a bath and pack her bag. I’ll try to get some sleep and then in the morning, I’ll start a new chapter in my life. Wish me luck.image

So I had a baby…

3 Apr

On March 17th at 4:30 in the morning, my husband and I welcomed a new little soul into the world. It was the most overwhelming and enormous and complete experience of my life. Everyone always says, “It’s different with your own child” and “You’ll understand when you have your own” and “Being a mother is the hardest thing you’ll ever do”. And it’s all true. As someone who never wanted to be a mother (and honestly I never thought I would be one) I can tell you that it is the most wonderfully painful and deliciously frustrating and awe inspiring commitment that I’ve ever made. She is perfect, down to the smallest detail on her knuckles and the biggest wail that her lungs can deliver. She is the love song my husband and I wrote to each other before we even knew what words to sing or melody to hum. She is full of promise and wonder and possibility. She is all I could ask for and everything I never knew I wanted. She is my baby, my daughter.

Back in the saddle

4 Jun

Making: better choices for my personal happiness
Cooking: big breakfasts every morning.
Drinking: lots of water and way less coffee.
Reading: “The Goldfinch” and catching up on my favorite blogs.
Wanting: a clean house.
Looking: for the perfect carry on bag for my flight to CA.
Playing: the Tillers new cd and Shakey Graves too.
Wasting: the battery on my iPhone.
Wishing: for another weekend with my family.
Enjoying: early morning walks with Slimmie.
Waiting: for news from our realtor.
Liking: Gaim TV. There are so many yoga videos to choose from!
Wondering: if I’ll ever figure out how to use my sewing machine.
Loving: the trio I’m apart of with the husband and the pup.
Hoping: to partake of some Chipotle sooner than later
Marveling: at our blossoming town.
Needing: some new headphones.
Smelling: Peonies straight from my yard!
Wearing: shorts! And dresses.
Following: advice from my mom.
Noticing: a stronger and more fit body.
Knowing: that family is the most important (outside of your health).
Thinking: about what to pack.
Feeling: impatient.
Bookmarking: things to do in Healdsburg, CA.
Opening: email after email after email.
Giggling: at allll the songs Micah makes up about Slim.


Catching up

4 Jun

Oh, hello there! Long time, no see. I have been changing gears and transitioning into 2014 in the best way. I accepted a new position at a new job and I’m loving it. I feel really fortunate to have this opportunity and I plan to make the most it. MBM and I have made new friends… Thanks to my new job! We seem to be turning a corner here and it is such a welcome change.

Yesterday, we took a day trip to Harper’s Ferry, WV. It is a sleepy little town, tucked into the side of the mountains and surrounded by the Potomac and Shenandoah rivers. It was the sight of the historic raid where John Brown and his men died fighting for their cause. It was a fun afternoon of spirits and history.